The Dream May 2008

Back in February I decided to regroup and find new ways to tackle my health problems.

It started with a very vivid dream. I dreamed that I was very sad for something, and I was trying to remember what it was. Finally I realized that I had had a baby girl several years before, and couldn't keep her, and had to give her up for adoption. I tracked her down and found that she had been adopted by a nice Christian family, but of course she wouldn't remember me, and to take her back would have disrupted her life. They had named her "Abigail".

When I woke up from the dream, I realized that when we were going through the process of adopting a girl from China back in 2000-01, we had picked out the name "Abigail" for her.

Dh lost his job just as our dossier was next in line for a match. We had a new baby girl a few months later, struggled through unemployment for ... well, still. Life went on at breakneck speed. I never grieved.
I wandered around all that day, feeling numb and overwhelmed. In the afternoon, I went up to my room, shut the door, and sobbed into my pillow. Tears of loss, tears of frustration. I was comforted by the thought of Abigail being adopted by another family. I don't think I'll ever understand all the "why?" questions.

I decided to find a counselor. I had no idea where to find one, other than looking online. "Oh, God, please help me find one that's not a lulu!" I searched my city and Christian Counseling.. picked one and made an appointment. When she asked me how many children I had, her response was not what I feared.. "oh, no wonder you are exhausted, you have so many children!" It was, rather, "How nice! I come from a family of 9, too!" She went on about how her goal is to apply scripture with an understanding of how human nature works. She's been great. I'm learning how to communicate with dh, and how to find where I'm hurt and what I'm protecting when I get angry.

Dh started going with me, too. And that's all I'm gonna say about *that*! ;) It's been very good.